TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it could have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical development-slash-luxurious housing calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Sure, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are chatting Damascus, the city Traditionally recognized for historic lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It is going to be huge. Huge!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed from the putting inexperienced inside of Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We've experienced beautiful ceasefires in Syria. A few of the best. But now, we're making them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and fully out of place. Built by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • And also a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 decades for potable drinking water. But Of course, absolutely sure, let us have A further spot exactly where American men can use robes and phone it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas policy analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace attempt since Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst preceding negotiations unsuccessful less than the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is easier: offer All people a suite about the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with documents published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is delicate power," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a contract and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock demands much less diplomats and even more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms put in in Every unit. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity famous, "It is not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in a very war zone. It really is that he need to cease utilizing it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked about the challenge, replied, "You already know, gentleman, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Superior persons. Excellent tan. In any case, do I even now have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long run evidence storage" and Trump Tower Damascus "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory with the Levant."



Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the resort's landscaping sorts a giant Trump head noticeable from House, a element being marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents as well as the chin is… perfectly, classified.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits following acquiring the developing's gold plating reflected much daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set hearth to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It's not just unpleasant. It's a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Puzzling Characteristics


Probably the strangest factor on the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium the place attendees may possibly contemplate vague disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, full with climate control established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Local Syrians are Doubtful what to generate of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-12 months-outdated Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Tactic: "Should you Bomb It, They'll Occur"


The advert campaign, not long ago leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxurious is Eternally."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll executed inside a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% mentioned "where by's the nearest elevator for the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Finally, a Crisis That Pays"


The undertaking is by now attracting attention from Worldwide traders, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll purchase three penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business stage may even contain:




  • A Dollar Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Based on the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the disclosing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to wait to determine a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in lieu of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a resort exactly where my PTSD might have switch-down services."


Another article from @KuwaitiKardashian basically asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officials stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Reports propose:




  • China may possibly open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to develop a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Ultimate Feelings within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that included 3 camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It wanted gold. It essential a waterslide shaped much like the Structure. I gave all of it 3. You happen to be welcome."

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